Sunday, June 28, 2009

Fate, up against your will. . .

My life consists of driving and working. I think I spend more time in my car than I do at home. It is a statistic that doesn’t really bother me because it just points to the fact that I am never really idle. Although I do believe I need a hobby and I need to spend more time outdoors, I do like the fact that my life has become more active than it was this time last year. I’ve surrounded myself with good people, old and new friends.

But memories will always be there. As I was driving the other day, a song comes on over the radio. It is one of THOSE songs, the kind you hear and floods you with memories and feelings. But it has to be the right moment, the right environment. It was 5 am and I was driving home after some drinks and fun with friends. The sun was rising and the sky was still twilight. Stars were fading into the blue of the sky and birds were singing loudly reminding each other it was breakfast time. I was alone on the road. The perfect atmosphere for this song to plant its seed.

As the music and vocals drifted out of the speakers and played with my ears, incredible warmth radiates within me. I don’t sing along as I would usually do in my car but instead I listen intently to the emotion in the singer’s voice. The bass guitar. The strumming of strings. The keyboard. The mixture of all these factors.

I remember a love I had years ago. The memory of this person is faint. If you ask me to close my eyes and remember a moment with him, the details are blurry. But the warmth I feel now as this song is playing is reminding me of times with him. It reminds me of the intensity of a first true love. Two people who aren’t really right for each other but the intense feelings of attraction make you blind to all the reasons why you SHOULDN’T be together. He was 2 1/2 years younger and impressionable and I was a bit older and skeptical. But his innocence and kind heart made me so comforted. It made my cynical heart open up to a new world of love. Before him I was used and mistreated. He helped me to trust and believe there were people in this world I could rely on. He was beautiful to me in ways he wouldn’t even know.

The song does not necessarily remind me of loving HIM but reminds me of love and hope in general. That warmth I haven’t felt in years.

I begin to cry because I don’t think I will EVER feel that warmth again. You cannot redo firsts. You cannot undo the past. You cannot unlearn the lessons of life. What I learned was that you can never put those many feelings and trust into one person. It isn’t fair to that person. People are fallible and there is no one that could ever live up to standing on the pedestals you put them on. I put too much faith into that poor boy and when he didn’t live up to my expectations it made me so upset and let me down. I was unreasonable. I became angry. I became jaded again. I treated him poorly because he didn’t live up to what I expected him to be.

I may not be in love with him, but I love him for giving me that feeling and teaching me that lesson once in a lifetime. Even if it is unbeknownst to him.
But now I’m too reasonable and understanding. I’ve become too laid back and people are taking me for granted. What is the medium to live by?

The warmth feels so good like a drug that leaves me delusional. I want that feeling back. I will never get that high again. Another lesson I’ve learned is that highs are never a good thing. Because your whole life you will chase that one beautiful super high and be disappointed by every one that doesn’t satiate the hunger inside.

I’m happy being reasonable. I’m happy being understanding and kind. I will keep on doing it. I will find the person that will appreciate and love me for it. I've fallen in love after him and I will continue to fall in love.

For this moment, in this pre-dawn time, I will enjoy this radiation. I will cry. I will think about him and how I felt. And I will absolutely not regret one minute of the past and what has been done and learned.

What is that song I am listening too? It doesn’t matter. I want this to speak to everyone and remind them of a time where they felt so warm and happy. I want to reassure them it is okay to never feel that way again. Feelings morph and transform and become either deeper or just different. It’s part of the process of life. Things will never be as you expect or ever be as you once had them. But only you can create them to become something different and be comforted with that feeling. That is beautiful. Life is beautiful.