Sunday, March 15, 2009

A drive in mid February

The landscape rushes by as I speed down the road in my car. The sun sets in front of me, the orange light is straight ahead. The sky is filled with pastel colors as the light refracts off of the atmospheric gasses. Tiny particles bounce around the beautiful accident that has become our protector from space’s cold dark endlessness. I drive on, but can’t help but be mesmerized and entranced by the coincidence of life. A tiny terrestrial rock filled with water and volcano’s mixed everything together to make life possible. All by accident and all by chance; the perfect balance of crazy and logical, beautiful and ugly, true and false. But perfect balances never last as they will one day be destroyed by the past or eminent future.

Oh how nature coincides with the real world so perfectly, accidentally and honestly.

Meeting you was a beautiful accident in my life. It’s a delicious cocktail of coincidence and insanity. I feared everyday that I was with you that you would realize how banal I was. I shied away from the idea of your inevitable departure. I’m ordinary not beautiful. I’m not as fun as I seem, I’m complex. I’m an extremely intelligent woman who plays the part of a clown. I’m an emotional wreck who hides behind a smile. I pretend to be who I am not. I never asked about you enough because I was so afraid of being me. I was so afraid of who you really were. I was afraid of scaring you away.

I was a selfish girlfriend who hid behind blind generosity.

We mixed, spun, twirled. We were dizzy messes creating some strange and beautiful accidental affair. You warmed and protected me from the coldness of past. Your light refracted off mine and filled me with so much love and warmth. But other things got in our way. Your past, your delicate make up, your accidental occurrences, your volcano’s and storms. Destroyed. I never had a chance.

I drive toward the light of sunset. I look into my rearview mirror. Darkness and stars twinkle behind me. I stay focused on the sun and wonder how much longer the light can hold out before the darkness swallows it whole. I press my foot on the gas and hope for my strength to last longer than the darkness.

So wonderful how fast your heart can heal and change.

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