Thursday, March 8, 2012

Self Centered

I had a dream the other night. The kind of dream where you lose yourself entirely and become completely enraptured and absorbed into the pseudo realm of your inner psychosis. In other words: I believed this shit to be real.

I went through the whole magic of labor and birth and had this beautiful baby girl. She was a cutie, with dark olive skin, green eyes and a creepy, intense stare (like her dad). The hospital said I was free to go home and I did. I was never so excited in my life. When I got home, I rushed to the mirror and looked at my body. I was a size 6 again. YES! I size down from before I had the baby. My breasts had retained their shape and I could walk around and breathe normally again, at the same time! I started to run around and I grabbed Charlie for a walk around the neighborhood, something I haven’t been able to do since before I got pregnant. He was so excited to see me like my old self again. Jeremy came home and I gave him a huge hug and told him to look at how great I looked. I was me again! No more acid reflux, cankles, swollen feet and hands, and I had energy! I felt like a million dollars. He was excited for me and we went for a run.

Jeremy’s first alarm out of his 85 that he sets went off. I awake and give an agitated grumble . He turns it off and flips over. I look down and my belly is still there. I get upset. I’m pregnant again. I still have 1 month and a half to go. I don’t want to do this anymore.

Then I realized the most messed up aspect of this whole scenario. After I had the baby, she was NO WHERE to be found in the dream. The one thing I was most excited about was not being pregnant anymore.

I recanted the dream to Jeremy and laughed at how ironic and ultimately disturbing how the one thing that I was most excited about was the fact that I was no longer pregnant.

“Isn’t that funny Jeremy? Just look at where my mind is, huh?”

I get creepy, intense upset stare. OOOPS!

Ok, so as horrible as it sounds that my subconscious is being a complete self centered dick, I understand exactly where its coming from. I am a very independent, fast paced, gotta’ move now and get it done kind of person and all this pregnancy has done was slow me down and make me rely on everyone else to give me a helping hand. It has completely denigrated me. An uninspired, low esteem Maraley is a very sad Maraley. So I can see why in my dream all I cared about was being me again. Having energy to do the things I loved to do. Looking the same way I did before. Before all the sudden surprises and change of my whole life.

Does it mean I unwelcome it? No, not at all. It just means that I don’t know for sure who or what I will be after I have my daughter. That is the ultimate fear. I’m sure once we meet all the apprehension will be put to aside  and I will be very comfortable with my new role as a mommy to my precious little girl. I always love a new challenge and as long as I don’t have something growing inside of me sapping away my energy, I’m sure I will accept this new stage of my life gracefully.

Hooray for self centered, mind opening revelations!

Oh and Jeremy is going to be a totally coo’ father. I just wanted to throw that in there and give his little ego a rub.

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